Too much agitation – for what?k

Posted: September 5, 2018 in Musings

Wise friend,

I found your email from December 2001; you let me read what you had written to Jonathan.
***
I took a walk in the Central Park; the day was glorious.
You’re always on my mind; however, it’s getting lonely like this, from a distance. I saw two movies – one Australian (“Lantana”) and the other American (“In the Bedroom”).
“Lantana” was about marriages and infidelities – an excellent movie.
“In the Bedroom” was about the lack of communication between a woman and her husband. During the movie, I felt agitated. I felt guilty because of our frequent phone calls of the last few days, and because we didn’t manage to stay cool-ish.

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I felt shrewd and tempting evil, instead of letting you think and focus on what is essential. I want to apologise a thousand times.

I have to take control of myself so that you can be at peace. I’ve been thinking how difficult must have been for you to plan everything. All these worries, and complications with your daughter, how would you have the strength for other changes? In the end, you’d collapse. Please take care of yourself. How much more energy do you think that you’ve got? Yes, you have to think about everything we talked about and everything about which we didn’t even consider. My dear, you don’t have unlimited energy, and I feel that you’ve exhausted your reserves. I can’t be next to you and take care of you. I would have loved to wait for you at home, open the door for you with laughter and music, the dinner table ready and to spoil you until this spell would be over.

The reality comes back to us: each one of us returns to the two single bedroom apartments, and of the fact instead of helping. I’m so aware and gully to have become the main reason for the events that you have to go through. Isn’t it too much for you?

I’m not mad, and I see what is acceptable – my heart is insane for you.

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