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Wise Friend,

You are a lot on my mind. You have no idea that I go with you almost everywhere. If anything challenges my thoughts or my heart I talk to you. In a way, you are my “victim” when I need to share details, so many details.

We allowed some people in our lives to bring us down, and shred to pieces any good opinions we could have about ourselves. We are angry at them, and we leave them. Then, like inertia, we are angry at ourselves that we allowed that to happen to us. Through our “new” anger they still destroy us. How does one switch it off? Each one employee own techniques.

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We seem not to know how to respond with self-destructiveness. We don’t become aware until we went so far that we damage ourselves. We are angry at ourselves. Later we are angry at ourselves for being angry. Would a little neighbourhood bird could tell us in time, “Watch out. You’re now on a forbidden road. Get used to stepping on the new one.”

You said that you felt good lately and you did not know how to do deal with feeling good; first when it lasted more than a day, and then more than a week.

OnceI felt the same. I started feeling happy. I was so aware that it lasted a week, then two weeks, then a month and more months. I told Rene that I became worried about the time when it could end. And he said: “Well, why don’t you enjoy it for now. You can feel bad when it comes. Worrying will takes the pleasure you have now”. It lasted. I became used to push worry for the future times when would have made sense.

That evening I went dancing. Old men, as always, approach me, telling me strange things, and taking my hand and timidly touching the inside of my palm. Old men, who could behave like gentlemen, behave like timid adolescents.

A group dance, similar to a hora, starts and I join. An old man enters the circle, and he holds my left hand.

Soon, coming from the left, I smell urine. He dances surprisingly well, while I struggle with the steps. After a while, there is no more hand-holding, though we continue dancing. The smell doesn’t go away. At some stage I bring my hand towards the face and just in time, I realize that my hand smells of stale urine. Yuuk!! I go and wash meticulously and then re-enter the circle at another spot, watching the same old man, dancing graciously. And you know what? In his own way, he is cute. Old, he enjoys life. He holds somebody else’s obviously grimacing. I watch his steps. He knows the the coreography for each tune and never misses a step.  Incontinent and talented. And so old!

Ethically, Yes. However, I’m not an angel. I’ve sinned

Otherwise, I must admit I like considerable variety in people. It brings me joy and happiness, as it’s not just momentarily.

If I want me, whom I like quite a lot, why would I meet other people?

***

Today the little girl was holding one of her clothes, sitting, and entirely focused on stuffing the pants with toys.

Tell me, what happened? You look so tense! I listen:

“She tosses around with her wonderful emotional ideas. Her voice changes, and her facial expression changes. Now, now is the moment to reveal again and again what a great, beautiful heart she has. If I get swept by this energy, the idea sounds gorgeous. It’s so essential for her to feel good. Damn with the consequences! So what if in the end doesn’t do good? It doesn’t seem to matter! Feeling good matters! Do you remember when she told me that it didn’t matter if there was any content in a talk, as long as the ideas and the words were beautiful and poetic?

So we instead listen to a person of sweet nothings…

She believes that people who throw these emotional ideas are kinder, smarter than those with whom I befriend.

In her eyes we are stupid. When I demand examples, facts to prove anything that she claims, she starts mocking me. She ran out of arguments. Then she labels me, taking immediately upon the label, as instantaneously she believes it. She proceeds to accuse me of the mock tag she’s just attached to me.

Anyway, I’m going for a walk to soothe my soul on my heavenly trail. Life is beautiful!”

***

Yesterday the toddler girl played basketball. She laughed – a bundle of joy and happiness – hold on to those forever! Somebody told the mother that she needs “to increase the height of the ring.”

Wise Friend,

This obsession with choices starts to get to me.

Hey! How about my ingrained impulses and hot buttons? They may win as well. Hopefully, rarely.

I have an expecation for self-control of me, of you.

I can choose to chose; I can choose not to choose. I’ve discerned, deliberated, chosen.

Friendly Friend,

You are not an angel.
When mistaken, I may choose to see the silver lining. I may choose not to.

Perhaps I want, I need to look at the dark side of the cloud.

Better than a robot. Let alone an angel. Never.

Wise Friend,

When I fail, I’m asking you to choose to ignore. Be there. So I don’t become bashful.
Unless others get hurt…then tell me, stop me.
Do not do evil, do not behave moodily. Rule number 1.

Friendly Friend,

Parents’ gift to children: self-control for them and the children.

Musica Viva. Viva la Musica!
What a night! Tonight, tonight I could have listened all night.
Blessed to love classical music.
Evolution. Music. Why don’t I know about the evolutionary explanations for music?
Anyway, it’s divine! What is the evolutionary meaning of the divine?
Maybe we come from musical apes.
Viva la Musica! Viva la Musica! Musica Divina! Music that reaches Divine.

Wise Friend,

Inner peace is inner, and only we can give it to us. How? Sometimes, I think that I found the formula. Later I wake up to the fact that I forgot to apply it. However, so much depends on us and our attitude.

Dearest Friend,

It wasn’t about carrying a stone within my heart. I’m able to carry heart stones. It was about, what you believed, and what I thought that you understood. I couldn’t let it happen between us. At least for now.

Wise Friend,

Now, there are two people inside me. I live with the feeling that I’m hiding something from you, but we have no choice. I’m afraid that you won’t like any longer the person I’m now.

I clench my teeth and continue with what we started, as it’s decent, or maybe it’s a must, or it’s just wise; this is called “looking after myself.”

I’m obsessed with the thought that, by being quiet, I lie to you, I let you believe something else. I’m not at peace; I don’t want to lose you. I tell my self I don’t have you anyway, such was life; this is what you decided. Later, I say myself that we both decided; then I’m too tired, I give up for a few days to look after the other person within me…

We’re not yet used to not connecting for two weeks. Later music follows, I go to a play, a show, a museum, walking, or I drive for a more extended stretch or maybe just that time arrived again to feel torn between the two people inside me.

Dearest Friend,

I know what you say. With whom are you comparing these group of people? They are not perfect, but overall they behave like good strong, kind, and reliable people. It’s so incredible that the others look at them, at their history and what they’ve achieved and continuously demonise them. Did they ever err? Certainly, they did! Like whom would they be? Please show me the group.

Wise Friend,

There is a toddler in my life. I miss her. I miss putting my head on the back of her neck and hear her laughter.

When she was here, visiting, I looked after her for a few hours. We played together. She showed me what to press on her toys, pressing my hand to push.

Her parents went out. She wasn’t crying, though very quiet and sad. Then she fell asleep in my arms.