Archive for May, 2013

Wise woman,

Well, understanding the meaning of what one writes depends on the clarity coming through. I don’t excel at (a polite expression I use about myself) being clear with my words. Therefore it’s not your fault that I wasn’t clear. The source is within my writing system. Maybe you write the same way as you talk (sic!), by which I mean spontaneously, without editing later. This style bears many advantages. For me, and I don’t know why, since I ever remember, (maybe since I remember myself) I pay much attention to the written words, much more than to those spoken. While I write one word, I look back to the previous ones, and I’m thinking of the ones about to follow. My fingers linger behind my thoughts, and frequently I return and rewrite in a way I seem to believe then that express more exactly and more nuanced what I intended indeed to communicate (not just blah-blah-blah, or maybe against blah-blah-blah). The result of that? Statements difficult to comprehend, perhaps hidden meanings or may be ambiguous, in fact just the opposite of the initial intentions.

Why do I do that? Because I have this unreasonable expectation, that if somebody knows me (not even too much), then that person would be willing to make an effort, to understand not only the sequence of the words (just dry text) but also my thinking background. I continue to believe (this is certainly just an illusion) that I express myself quite clearly. Anyway, with all that,  there is no doubt that my writing shows that I’m not diplomatic. I don’t aim to create pleasure or disturb anybody with my words or to say things in which I don’t believe.

I could write about how beautiful place this was to visit, about its amalgamated architecture, which means too little to me. I can answer your question: “How are you?”, with “Well, Thank You.”

Wise man,

I thought about your comments about the subject of my writings. I had a few strange experiences lately. I wrote about them to two close girlfriends. I feel free to write details to them that others could see them as too intimate or too unlikable. I would find much too difficult to write to a male friend. While I was writing to them I was having a silent conversation with you: “please note that I write about such things as well.” I’m not comfortable to put in writing such details as there is such a difference within a conversation when what you say could be more dramatic, more comic, more spicy, as one’s tone and hand gestures count so much and when one can also be aware of the receptivity of the other of what is said. All these, are not present in writing. I must fully trust the girlfriend I write to, and I assume that she hears me and sees me as I was writing. When writing, I ignore sad and frustrating moments. I think that I already wrote to you about this. I love that lately, I seem to float above these moments. Sometimes they touch me, I distance myself from them, and then they don’t come up in my writing. It seems that currently, I go through a time when I manage to be here and now (as those crazy people claim to say all the time). I notice my reactions; I enjoy them as if I feel who I’m all the time. I don’t know if and how long this will last and I hang on to the feelings I experience now. Overall, I’m between a good light mood and happiness. I become aware of this, especially when others invite me to a home and as usual, I arrive among the first, I watch people entering the house with serious expressions of sadness and depression. They later explain their state on mishaps that I find minor. I notice them, and I want to understand where is the habit, where there is a real cause, and where there is merely a need for attention. In reality, I have very little exposure (many times none at all) to private discussions with the hostess. In some specific situation, I desire to have access to those discussions. One of the ladies I visit quite frequently has a fantastic sense of humor and is exceptionally generous. I would love a closer friendship. There are clear limits, as she is very religious and some wild side of my personality would estrange her. Ramblings, rambling, ramblings.

Once again, thank you (for not losing you over my ramblings).

Longings are floating above me. It wasn’t. Today, I miss seeing the little girl, bending her head sideways and laughing through Skype. The moment I say ‘Bye-Bye’ she pushes the ‘End’ button while I long for a hand-wave. She is biting other children. Please, please, let her be a good child!

Wise friend,

Did you hear and see THAT? People are angry that the Fitch CEO, dared, you understand (?), wants and dares to sell only small sizes.

I wonder if Plus Size only shops are OK. Why is it so?

I can’t wear Fitch. I would if I could.

If they want to sell size 00000, it’s their right to choose so.
Their P&L will be clear:
• Loss – bad business model
• Profit – a good business model
A niche market is a good concept in business. It matters!
This should be our biggest worry, which Fitch sells only small sizes.

Miss You!

Not Small Enough for Fitch Friend,

I can’t wear Fitch either. So what! I want to slim down to healthy me. Part of me stops me! Why? Why? HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa!

Miss You, too!
We’re waiting for the next one! It matters.

Bliss matters

Posted: May 21, 2013 in Fiction, Musings

Wise friend,

I know, when I write, you might get the impression that it sounds only like bad news – from crisis to crisis.

In fact, most of my moments are just fine – many are blissful.

I need to find the secret of writing about blissful moments, about moments of peace and contentment and keep you interested.

I might have the most beautiful calm and pleasant hours, and something happens, an interaction with another, or being too much on my own, and a little internal conflict raises its head. Then I, the aware, starts thinking, processing, learning, and trying to understand. I’m dying to let you know.

Bliss! How can I hold on to it when I interact with another?


Miss you

Friend of blissful moments,

Bliss matters. Bliss in daily mundane life.  Please share, however odd!

Miss you, too!
Last week the little girl said ‘turtle’, ‘apple’ and ‘wall.’ Just to hear that and it felt so…..blissful. Then they told me that she pulls the hair of her friends. Oh!Oh!

Wise friend,

What a day! A sweet taste of me, of space, and of freedom.

Happy for a while just with superficiality, with kindness, joy, and laughter. Good to stay on the surface and not always be deep, deep. I was with others. We laughed, exchanged some ideas. Topics were sometimes light, sometimes important. We talked with a sense of curiosity and prudence in not hurting each other while expressing our thoughts.

I needed this tonight!

In the morning, I received an aggressive message. What made me reply?: “I believe in a civilized communication. You didn’t; you don’t. We won’t.”

I swivelled around singing:” You didn’t, you don’t. We won’t…You didn’t; you don’t. We won’t…You didn’t; you don’t. We won’t”.

Later, I was with friendly people; two hours of pure joy. I breathed in superficiality, a sweet taste of me, of space, of freedom.

Miss you!

Sweet, free friend,

When superficiality soothes, it’s more than that.

Miss you, too!
The toddler girl felt on the top of the world, on the shoulders of her father. I was at the top of the world watching her.

Wise friend,

Guilt is Catholic. No! It’s Jewish. No! It’s Irish. Hey, Irish are Catholic.

Shall I do Guilt?

Miss You!


Yes, when it’s your reaction to you stepping out of your moral construct, or of your moral community whatever it might be at the time: family, friends, or others.

Yes, when you did something wrong made a mistake, hurting the other, you might need to feel guilty and reassess how to do it next time. Sometimes your worse of you took over, and you were malicious in a form or another.

Yes, it might be soul-wrenching. You might need to explain what happened – it’s difficult. You need apologize, and be clear what you apologize for – it’s difficult, and sometimes it’s humiliating. Never say just: “Sorry to have offended you.” Be specific for what you apologise. Both show integrity and courage.


No, when another person wants you to react in a specific way and uses guilt to manipulate you – thus you to have you explain yourself and prove that whatever they assumed was wrong.

No, even when you make a mistake and it’s becoming much too consuming when all that is needed is to apologise (be specific) and redress the situation.

No, when you hurt the other because you had to stop a specific behaviour or interaction that actually is not acceptable and rightly so for you. For example, you’re in a relationship (let’s not think about marriage for a moment) that brings no joy, it might be boring, unpleasant, where you are not you for whatever reason. You decide to end that relationship. The other gets hurt. Well, that’s life. Sometimes you can do it gingerly, over time, sometimes you need to stop that on the spot. That’s life.

It’s complicated to feel comfortable afterward, knowingly that you created pain. It requires of you to self-control, self-reassurance that the decision was correct.

Yes, it matters! Who and what matters?
When the little toddler wobbled for the first time from her father to her mother, she laughed. She then looked up and not knowing yet how to talk, made the same sounds of “Did you see that?” Her mother understood.

Wise friend,

I want to ask you about people who hurt (with their speaking manner) and insult me. Sometimes I can’t take it any longer, and I decide to tell such a person to stop doing that. On the spot, I become the bad person. Me standing up hurts their feelings. Who do they think that they are?

“Ok, let me understand. You act carelessly. It hurts me; it affects me. You continue, you mock me, and you put me down. I carefully try to give some hints and give you examples of what hurts me in other people’s words and actions. You empathise. You continue bothering me, mocking me, using me.

When hints and anecdotes didn’t help, at some stage I decide to be clear. I’m not willing to be part of this interaction any longer under these conditions. I carefully think about how to say it, when to say it, how to be clear and short, how to react to some questions. I choose my day, the environment.

I meet you, and I tell you: “When you do or tell me that I’m ‘bad at that and bad at the other,’ I feel uncomfortable.” I explain in more details.

You react, you get angry, or hurt, or dismissing. Now, I’m the bad one.”

Miss you!

My honest friend,

Yes, there is a pattern with people willingly insulting or hurting the other. Standing up to that behaviour is suddenly in bad taste. It takes practice. Choose your battles until you become natural at it: remaining cool inside, smiling, clear message, clear deep voice.

Yes, it matters! Who and what matters?


On the second day of her life, the newborn baby girl had these deep thinking eyes. I fell in love. Now she is toddling around.

Ethically, Yes. However, I’m not an angel. I’ve sinned

Otherwise, I must admit I like considerable variety in people. It brings me joy and happiness, as it’s not just momentarily.

If I want me, whom I like quite a lot, why would I meet other people?


Today the little girl was holding one of her clothes, sitting, and entirely focused on stuffing the pants with toys.