Friendship – Soothing Anger

Posted: September 20, 2018 in Musings, opinion, philosophy, relationships
Tags: , , ,

Wise friend,

It worries me that I’ve not heard from you in a while. Remember, I keep having these back-alley flashes of muggings and the like – silence is definitely not good.

Lovely friend,

As you know, time flies when one is busy, and we are amazed that we are already in September. It genuinely seems like yesterday when I departed, but I am sure it is not the same for you. Our mind is so extraordinary; we are able to telescope time in or out depending on our personal experience.

Wise friend,

Now I know you’re OK, not horizontal in some alley, I think the difference between me worrying about your and your mum worrying about you, by the way, is that my worry is not built on a sense of you being incapable, but more of the malevolence of the world. Does that make sense? Lovely to hear your voice.
I’m proud of all your achievements to date – the driving license being just one. By the way, I did not get the email you sent which was a reply to mine – try again? Are you keeping a diary?

Here things are plodding along. I have a huge amount of work, which is both good and bad. I don’t need to explain the reasoning here, sure you know. On the home front, I take each day as it comes. I still suffer a bit from reality shock. I woke up the other day having had a dream that my marriage was over. I shook my head in disbelief and fog and said to myself “silly thing – it’s only a dream”; I got up to splash some water on my face and remembered. It was like this after my father died. Also, I’m starting to get waves of anger. I don’t know what to do with them.

I’m in the middle of things here – lawyers and settlement and stuff like that. Feel beyond stressed and quite strung out. It’s a bit unreal. I want it OVER. I want to emerge from this with some dignity. But I don’t know what to do with these feelings of abandonment that I have – and of being so alone in the world…

I was also talking to a counsellor, so I had acknowledgment and a right to this layered anger, and each layer was touching the same buttons. One layer follows the other, and it might take too long. I was waiting for that anger to surface; otherwise, it would have eaten me from inside. What did I do? I was writing almost like obsessive poems about what I am angry. This, however, takes too little of its power.

Lovely friend,

Sorry, you are in a foul mood. Like you are continuously sliding back on the ladder.

During the last years, my greatest luck has been when either worry or anger steps in, I manage immediately to ask myself, “Where is this coming from?“ Does it help? Most of the times, I turn to these questions automatically.

After a while, I reached a stage where I could watch myself, and I just told myself, “Here the demon comes again, maybe write some words and go to a walk or swim.” However, some residues of anger will always be there. One has been deprived for years of accomplishments of dreams, manipulated into seeing the angelic side of the being while ignoring the malicious one. How can I completely forget all this, when we cannot turn time back, and some things are more difficult to achieve with age?

Wise friend,

Walking by water used to help me. I’ll try walking by the ocean – see if it helps. By the way, it’s no doubt that this city is magnificent and where we lived we touch a piece of Heaven.
It’s good that your conversations with your son are okay. You’ve yearned for that for some time I think.
My main feeling these days is of having been abandoned – you know – all alone – the only people who ever loved me are dead…dar dum de dar…
It’s good that you’re a long way away – I’m a lousy company at the moment.
Work is OK though. Now have 4 books on the boil – which is exciting.

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