Posts Tagged ‘anger’

Wise friend,

It worries me that I’ve not heard from you in a while. Remember, I keep having these back-alley flashes of muggings and the like – silence is definitely not good.

Lovely friend,

As you know, time flies when one is busy, and we are amazed that we are already in September. It genuinely seems like yesterday when I departed, but I am sure it is not the same for you. Our mind is so extraordinary; we are able to telescope time in or out depending on our personal experience.

Wise friend,

Now I know you’re OK, not horizontal in some alley, I think the difference between me worrying about your and your mum worrying about you, by the way, is that my worry is not built on a sense of you being incapable, but more of the malevolence of the world. Does that make sense? Lovely to hear your voice.
I’m proud of all your achievements to date – the driving license being just one. By the way, I did not get the email you sent which was a reply to mine – try again? Are you keeping a diary?

Here things are plodding along. I have a huge amount of work, which is both good and bad. I don’t need to explain the reasoning here, sure you know. On the home front, I take each day as it comes. I still suffer a bit from reality shock. I woke up the other day having had a dream that my marriage was over. I shook my head in disbelief and fog and said to myself “silly thing – it’s only a dream”; I got up to splash some water on my face and remembered. It was like this after my father died. Also, I’m starting to get waves of anger. I don’t know what to do with them.

I’m in the middle of things here – lawyers and settlement and stuff like that. Feel beyond stressed and quite strung out. It’s a bit unreal. I want it OVER. I want to emerge from this with some dignity. But I don’t know what to do with these feelings of abandonment that I have – and of being so alone in the world…

I was also talking to a counsellor, so I had acknowledgment and a right to this layered anger, and each layer was touching the same buttons. One layer follows the other, and it might take too long. I was waiting for that anger to surface; otherwise, it would have eaten me from inside. What did I do? I was writing almost like obsessive poems about what I am angry. This, however, takes too little of its power.

Lovely friend,

Sorry, you are in a foul mood. Like you are continuously sliding back on the ladder.

During the last years, my greatest luck has been when either worry or anger steps in, I manage immediately to ask myself, “Where is this coming from?“ Does it help? Most of the times, I turn to these questions automatically.

After a while, I reached a stage where I could watch myself, and I just told myself, “Here the demon comes again, maybe write some words and go to a walk or swim.” However, some residues of anger will always be there. One has been deprived for years of accomplishments of dreams, manipulated into seeing the angelic side of the being while ignoring the malicious one. How can I completely forget all this, when we cannot turn time back, and some things are more difficult to achieve with age?

Wise friend,

Walking by water used to help me. I’ll try walking by the ocean – see if it helps. By the way, it’s no doubt that this city is magnificent and where we lived we touch a piece of Heaven.
It’s good that your conversations with your son are okay. You’ve yearned for that for some time I think.
My main feeling these days is of having been abandoned – you know – all alone – the only people who ever loved me are dead…dar dum de dar…
It’s good that you’re a long way away – I’m a lousy company at the moment.
Work is OK though. Now have 4 books on the boil – which is exciting.

Wise friend,

For different reasons since the end of September, I was getting crazier and crazier. Much of this was related to Jonathan, or better said to missing Jonathan; a kind of lava that erupted in me after a long time of a quieter time of my emotions. Yesterday, probably due to a bad recurring flu that I had last week, but mainly due to my personality – let’s face it – I reached the highest point of this craziness. Suddenly, I fell to the ground (emotionally), it seems to me on my feet, and I relaxed. I have no idea, for how long the peace will last. The lava has cooled down, and I hope that this volcano will stay still for a long time, as I need the tranquility of my sanity.

Lovely friend,

Oh, Etna has just erupted last week, as well. I have bouts of anger – though less and less – where I advise people to stay out of my way!

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Wise friend,

I don’t have bouts of anger – I have bouts of missing this man, then I relax. While driving, I thought about you again, about anger and cursing. I’m not sure if I told you this before, but my thoughts on cursing are:
I almost never used the word “f…”; I’d rather use “Shivers” or “Gosh” (Gosh!!)
From time to time I used ‘f…’ and I noticed that it did not release, but actually it brings up more on anger.
For a while, last year, I cursed so much, and I noticed that my level of anger was seriously affected.
Since then I try not to use it – the addiction is strong, and it took a lot of willpower to stop – I’m mostly out of it.
I think that everybody uses the “f…” curse in connection with anger. It’s almost like an anchor, and hooks straight into the anger we felt during our lifetime – a bit more anger is added to the original pool each time we use it. The anger of the others, while using ‘f..’ is also chained to our own chain and we carry more and more. It anchors like a serial killer.

Lovely friend,

I use “Shivers” as a relief from stressful or unpleasant instantaneous feelings. When I want to talk about somebody who angers me, I feel tempted to use the adjective ‘f…ing.’ It’s like I can’t show the color of the situation. I make significant efforts to avoid it, as I feel stirred up.
Maybe I should write a Ph.D. about ‘f..ing’ ‘f..’ word and its derivatives.

Wise friend,

Thinking about you, my PhD on f.. and other so-called taboo words had been done, and many times over. Your interpretation is interesting but fails to touch on a major consideration of swearing which is the solidarity factor in haste.

Wise Friend,

You are a lot on my mind. You have no idea that I go with you almost everywhere. If anything challenges my thoughts or my heart I talk to you. In a way, you are my “victim” when I need to share details, so many details.

We allowed some people in our lives to bring us down, and shred to pieces any good opinions we could have about ourselves. We are angry at them, and we leave them. Then, like inertia, we are angry at ourselves that we allowed that to happen to us. Through our “new” anger they still destroy us. How does one switch it off? Each one employee own techniques.

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We seem not to know how to respond with self-destructiveness. We don’t become aware until we went so far that we damage ourselves. We are angry at ourselves. Later we are angry at ourselves for being angry. Would a little neighbourhood bird could tell us in time, “Watch out. You’re now on a forbidden road. Get used to stepping on the new one.”

You said that you felt good lately and you did not know how to do deal with feeling good; first when it lasted more than a day, and then more than a week.

OnceI felt the same. I started feeling happy. I was so aware that it lasted a week, then two weeks, then a month and more months. I told Rene that I became worried about the time when it could end. And he said: “Well, why don’t you enjoy it for now. You can feel bad when it comes. Worrying will takes the pleasure you have now”. It lasted. I became used to push worry for the future times when would have made sense.