eachword-eachday

Wise Friend,

My heart and soul are healing I think, but it’s very slow. I found out that Michael has had another woman for a long time (don’t know how long) and my kids have known too. Lana was sworn to secrecy. Alex made the judgement–wrong in my opinion–to not tell me because he thought I was under enough stress. I’m still recovering from the duplicity and humiliation of it.

Lovely Friend,

I can imagine how you and Lana feel. And I’m sure that Michael is smiling along and sees it as nothing or as life. “You, those within my close family around me, take on all my rubbish because I know how to smile.”
I’m sure that he plays down Lana’s feelings, would she try to talk with him.

Wise Friend,

I don’t think she tries to talk to him. She rather tries to be grown up and cool about it all. It’s with me that she shows all her emotions and contradictions and anxieties. Some recent comments: “I’ve lost my father, I can’t lose another parent. I hate the fact that I wasn’t given a choice of whether to like Beth (the new woman). I just had her presented to me, and it was assumed I had to like her. I hate the way she just assumes I’ll be coming to the wedding and doesn’t understand why it’s so hard.”

Lovely Friend,

He seems to think, “The experience is going to toughen you, kid. I’m too weak to plan it differently to spare you the pain.”

Wise Friend,

He might think “They are my children, and I’m polite to invite them to my wedding.” They have to learn how to socialise, and they have to learn that and that.

Lovely Friend,

This just shows he didn’t change. How out of touch he is with those closest to him. He has no idea how to sacrifice some social requirements for the wholeness of Lana’s emotions. Though, which ones?

Wise Friend,

It’s a bit like some many things happening around the world. If you deny that something specific exists, then there’s no related consequential problem, is there? So, if he denies that any of this is a problem, then he doesn’t have to cater to the complexities. I’m so tempted to see a teenage counsellor, but no. It’ s hard, opening the wounds again (not that they were ever really closed)

Lovely Friend,

When my son was a teen, the primary drive was my love for him and the correctness of the situation. Until they are 18, you are not supposed to let them take all their decisions. They need your protection much of the time, and they don’t always know how to protect themselves.

You might not look cool, and you might bring on another crisis with Michael. Lana doesn’t want to create any waves. She would feel guilty. Parents re-marrying messes up children as young as Lana.

Deep down they didn’t solve the issues of their parents’ separation. Deep down they still hope for reconciliation. Look at TV shows and movies exploiting these feelings depicting parents getting back together. Only adult children, not even all, can take re-marrying easily.

If you feel that this is a betrayal, I promise you they know that. I don’t think their decision not to tell you is an act of betrayal or duplicity. It’s a tough decision between protecting you and delivering the hurtful message to you. A lose-lose situation, any one of us (including yourself) has found oneself in. Not only once. Children of divorced parents have no way out of many such incidents.

Lana is still a child. She must be shown consideration and basic care and willingness to deal with her. I’m not ignoring Alex here, but Alex is at an age where he has to put up with rubbish. He might choose not to. In a way even Lana has to. All kids of all age have to put up with conflicts. Sometimes, we must protect them, though it would be not healthy for them to protect them each time.

Wise Friend,

Yeah, I think Lana wants me to give her kind of moral permission to attend the wedding. I can’t do this in an honest way, because I think that Michael has behaved atrociously through all of this. Attending the wedding means accepting all the rubbish has passed. I don’t know how to do what she wants and still be true to myself. The counsellor, I am going to, says that I only began to progress through all this dirt when I started to be honest about my own feelings. E.g. by telling Michael not to come here any more and cutting off all contact with him. This really hurt Lana, but it’s the only way I can function – with him completely out of my life.
God, I want to have a day when the thought of him does not cloud my mind.

On the personal level, Michael’s wedding invitations are out and apparently, Lana and Alex are going to be invited. Lana is torn in half. Alex, I don’t know. I feel like a dog that has been whipped and now is having its head kicked in. I’m supposed to allow them to make their own choices; I imagine that’s what all the good books say. Why then does it feel like such a betrayal if they attend? Lana said ‘other kids have their parents break up and they are happy with the remarriage’ or ‘break-ups are painful for everyone.’ I wish it would all just go away.

Lovely Friend,

It’s painful, and you have to take care of yourself to be able to take care of them. What a cliché, I’ve just written!. Yet, you’re the adult and sometimes, you need to bite your pain and do what is right for Lana and even for Alex. About Michael coming to your place, tell Lana you have a right to privacy and to your home. That, she needs to swallow.