Archive for the ‘relationships’ Category

“Fifty Shades of Grey”- Why Was It So Successful?

Posted: September 19, 2018 in Musings, opinion, philosophy, relationships
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Wise friend,

Why was “Fifty Shades of Grey” so successful?

Friend,

I don’t know. I heard it is poorly written. Some women told me they were fascinated only by the sex scenes, calling it ‘soft porn.’

I didn’t even open the books though I had them for a short while. I watched the first movie out of curiosity. While I could accept to waste ninety minutes of my life to satisfy some of my curiosity, reading the book would have taken me weeks to read it.

The man (in the book) demands specific intricate details of how their sexual encounters should develop.

I read a few Facebook commentaries from people I respect. I assume that the book is about that emotionally dangerous dream for which many women fall prey: the power of a woman’s love to change a man.

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Surprise surprise, the movie ends with the man falling in love with her; eventually, he seems to change his approach to their relationship: love will shape the relationship, not tricky, masochistic and sadistic sexual encounters. I’m rolling my eyes.

Yes, we all know about situations where the intense love for a woman changes a bad man into a good man. This, however, is not because thus the woman wants. That would happen if his love for her, opens his mind, matures him, and heals most of his wounds.

Women err when they confuse their desire to change a man under the “spell” of making him love her, with accepting a relationship with the man and defining clear boundaries. It amazes me that the same woman errs with such ideals more than once.

Wise friend,

I can’t talk about the sex scenes in the book. For that, I have to read the book. Forget about that!

We all know that during intimacy men and women perform acts about which they would not talk with others.

Wise friend,

Like what? Whipping!

Friend,

Not so far, necessarily.

Through my life, I heard from women and men intimate moments within their relationships. I won‘t mention those details in writing. These mere acquaintances ended up trusting me more than I was interested. Each time I ended like a deer in the headlights, listening and wondering, why they shared such moments with me. My face wouldn’t betray my surprise.

Wise friend,

Gosh, I might have lived in a different world.

Friend,

Many of us do. When one least expects, love and playfulness allow or push people when in love with some partners only, to do these little sexual things that don’t define them, otherwise. Those silly moments when we decide, “So what! It’s just nothing, and it makes him happy! I’ll never share with anybody what I’ve just done, with this guy.”

I guess, that “Fifty Shades…” describes some of such moments. Readers would be happy, even may be relieved, and therefore happy reading them. They would love that.

***

Well, is it pretentious of me to assume so much without reading the books?

Those You Date

Posted: April 28, 2013 in book; books, communication, epistolary, Fiction, meaning, Musing, opinion, philosophy, relationships
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Sweet Friend,

You wrote you dated a few times and how frustrating it is to feel scrutinised.

Wise Friend,

The men I meet think I’m the one under scrutiny. They don’t know they are under my scrutiny. I didn’t come so far away from home, to stop scrutinising.

Sweet Friend,

I was thinking about the word you used. I know what you mean, though I hope you enjoyed the dates to some extent.

Wise Friend.

What should one do? Take a risk? How else? Be cautious? How else? Go with the flow? How else? Be gullible? How else? Be trustful? How else?

Sweet Friend,

You went there, faraway, to find a husband. Do they want to become husbands more then they want here? How far do you need to go before you can approach the subject even if only as a light, rushed joke?

Wise Friend,

It’s become a “shame on you” to want to know this too soon. A wish that needs to be in secret. A desire to be denied, minimised, and about which to joke. Once upon a time, becoming a husband was a sign of pride in oneself. Not anymore.

Sweet Friend,

What? Do you ask him on the first date?

Wise Friend,

When I feel like “Heck with it?”

Sweet Friend,

How did they react? I would love to be at the next table. Did you see any of them again? Risky filtering I might say. Is it funny?

Wise Friend,

Haha! Ah, it brings me a sense of relief.

Sweet Friend,

My mind is blank. I have no answers for you. Still, I can’t hold back to tell you to enjoy meeting people. Find out about their life and likes. Delight in their little surprises. The rules changed many decades ago. Somehow, still, they need to be relearned again and again.

Shush! Don’t bring it up too soon! You might filter the good ones. Also, sometimes “Heck with it!” Seek their happy side. If he’s moody, say “good-bye!”

I Used to Speak Six Languages. None of Them Perfect, Ever?

Posted: April 28, 2013 in book; books, communication, epistolary, Fiction, meaning, Musing, Musings, opinion, philosophy, relationships
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Sensitive Friend,

I used to speak six languages: none of them perfect, ever. Three have disappeared, not wholly, almost gone. I can order a sandwich and maybe listen to get what you mean – to some point. Therefore, I love when people correct me in either of my top three languages: humor, gentleness help.

Sometimes I use words, confident that I’m clear. Later I see, from the reaction of the other, that I used an improper word. I mean inappropriate: it’s either a bit too sexy in that part of the world or hurting feelings in another. In my mind, the word or expression is clear, soft and caring.

So I ask you to help me, and your response is to stay with the initial wording, as you understand what I meant and also you enjoy the mishap. You prefer me not to correct anything as thus I would deviate into being too correct with the words I use. How am I going to win the battle of languages and of a brain that insists on grasping a language at a maximum of 83.66%-95.21%?

So here it is: I used “the importance given to this subject is not suitable to…”. I’m asking you: Shall I use “undeserved importance”?

Wise Friend,

No, because when you use the new word, it brings in a falsity, which denigrates and makes the core of your idea unnatural. Then, I get confused, and I lose what you’re referring to, and then I wonder why you mention whatever new thing might show up.

Maybe you thought about the word “forbidden,” but this is debatable as well.

When Two People Love Being With Each Other is French Fries a Good Topic?

Posted: April 27, 2013 in book; books, epistolary, Musing, Musings, opinion, philosophy, relationships
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Wise Friend,

Years ago you wrote: “We communicate only via writing or phone, which makes us feel good most of the times. However, sometimes it hurts when either of us or both feel frustrated. Also, we have to deal with a lack of continuity and with the question of how honest we could be within these kinds of communication.”

On the one hand, either of us or both of us could choose what would more comfortable and leave aside real confrontations; this would be cowardice, isn’t it (on my behalf)?

Sensitive Friend,

When two people love being around each other, they can talk about French fries and enjoy each other.

Wise Friend,

On the other hand, you seem to imply, which I find acceptable, that this is not good for you and the communication would become sterile. Had we choose to dive deeper into some specific question you might raise, into an impression of mine that I suddenly saw a little light in a corner I never noticed.

You have integrity, while at the same time you move around from topic to topic with so much agility; you might start an idea, and suddenly you change your mind.

Sometimes I ask you something specific, I need your answer, and you move on to another subject, and we go on from there.

It’s OK for me, but we deviate from the flow. There is something else in this complex communication: my topics are not easy to address, and I’m not always clear. I never know how my subjects touch you, given the context of your thoughts and your disposition at the very moment when you open my email or when we talk over the phone.

It forces me to restrain myself and to weigh much too much every word I write or say. You turn, now.

Sensitive Friend,

Starting with an idea and moving to another subject was not a sign of agility. At that time, I lacked the discipline to stay with the topic at hand.

I wanted to speak about everything that might have tangentially touched the subject, or I thought about in the absence of our communication. I’ve improved a lot, and I get so much more satisfaction when staying with the topic discussed until clear. Now, I notice as others change the subject and I don’t enjoy it, at all.

I wonder what I answered at the time of our interaction.

When Tenderness Comes Too Late?

Posted: April 21, 2013 in book; books, epistolary, Fiction, Musing, Musings, opinion, philosophy, relationships
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Dearest Friend,

Delauney’s painting – Sometimes I look at it, and it seems as agitated as our souls right now. A few minutes later, I look again, and I see peace and quiet, but with energy and fire. Somehow it represents us: while it scares me, it calms me as well, and it gives me joy, too. Be happy; it’s your birthday.

Delauney

Wise Friend,

I’m so far. I wish I would be able to touch you so slightly, so lightly. Happy birthday and many happy returns – please laugh a lot with your beautiful laughter.

You brought me a fantastic year. I wish you goodness and a comfortable life, and to never regret that gift so loaded, so pregnant. Whatever has happened, our love, may it be a sign of only good things to come to you.

Dearest Friend,

Now, don’t blame me. What possibilities, do you think that could have crossed my mind back then? After two years, I left him. I was nine years younger than you, and I was so immature.

How was it possible that I was there for those years, and we didn’t ‘know’ each one about the other and each one for the other? Has life toyed with us, like a joke? What did it want from us to prove?

That we’re two people kind and caring? I have no idea if I would have reacted to your signs. I responded to the warmth in your voice, at sunset, looking both of us over that valley I love. I acted, not as an adult, but as a little child to whom somebody finally told how valuable might be.

Wise Friend,

Maybe if you had persisted, I would have been intoxicated. It’s your fault you moved me too late and too fast. I left that place, the beloved country, with your words in my soul, with the warmth of your voice, feeling to some extent the attraction you had felt, not more than that.

You say you kept pushing the gas pedal, knowingly that the engine was not on. Suddenly the engine started, and we forgot reason. I, like you, had not imagined this was possible, even if deep down maybe I, like you, knew it was.

Why not, if we knew this is what we wanted, then why no other person who wanted the same showed up?

Are You Able to Carry a Stone Within Your Heart?

Posted: April 21, 2013 in book; books, epistolary, Fiction, Musing, Musings, opinion, philosophy, relationships, Uncategorized
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Wise Friend,

Inner peace is inner, and only we can give it to us. How? Sometimes, I think that I found the formula. Later I wake up to the fact that I forgot to apply it. However, so much depends on us and our attitude.

Dearest Friend,

It wasn’t about carrying a stone within my heart. I’m able to carry heart stones. It was about, what you believed, and what I thought that you understood. I couldn’t let it happen between us. At least for now.

Wise Friend,

Now, there are two people inside me. I live with the feeling that I’m hiding something from you, but we have no choice. I’m afraid that you won’t like any longer the person I’m now.

I clench my teeth and continue with what we started, as it’s decent, or maybe it’s a must, or it’s just wise; this is called “looking after myself.”

I’m obsessed with the thought that, by being quiet, I lie to you, I let you believe something else. I’m not at peace; I don’t want to lose you. I tell my self I don’t have you anyway, such was life; this is what you decided. Later, I say myself that we both decided; then I’m too tired, I give up for a few days to look after the other person within me…

We’re not yet used to not connecting for two weeks. Later music follows, I go to a play, a show, a museum, walking, or I drive for a more extended stretch or maybe just that time arrived again to feel torn between the two people inside me.

Dearest Friend,

I know what you say. With whom are you comparing these group of people? They are not perfect, but overall they behave like good strong, kind, and reliable people. It’s so incredible that the others look at them, at their history and what they’ve achieved and continuously demonise them. Did they ever err? Certainly, they did! Like whom would they be? Please show me the group.

Wise Friend,

There is a toddler in my life. I miss her. I miss putting my head on the back of her neck and hear her laughter.

When she was here, visiting, I looked after her for a few hours. We played together. She showed me what to press on her toys, pressing my hand to push.

Her parents went out. She wasn’t crying, though very quiet and sad. Then she fell asleep in my arms.

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