Posts Tagged ‘relationship’

Our Common Sense and the Boundaries of Others

Posted: November 13, 2018 in Fiction, Musing, Musings, opinion, philosophy, relationships
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Wise Friend,

I met your friends. The evening went well, for a while. It was light and funny. Then something went wrong. I do not understand what. It bothers me.

Sensitive Friend,

It’s not relevant. Sometimes, I express an opinion I take it as to be common sense, maybe a light comment within a conversation.
Suddenly, I notice in the facial expression of the other, that I stepped over a boundary. To me, that boundary doesn’t matter, so no wonder I didn’t know about it, and it’s not even significant for me to cross.
Yes, I could explain myself, wanting to dissipate the negativity I feel, but I don’t see a need; it would provide an allure of undeserved importance to the subject.
Had I continued, both parties would become uncomfortable. That‘s in my mind. For the other person, this might be significant.
However, I forget to think that way.
The subject doesn’t “deserve” so much respect. The time spent on explaining is irrelevant.
Don’t worry.

Wise Friend,

It is INCREDIBLE, how you describe precisely a nuance I felt as well, though I could not formulate it. As if a door opened and now I see with clarity what was behind it when I had only a hint and was blurry (I‘m tempted to use the word “revelation“).
Bravo to you, with thanks and pride for you.
If you agree, though it’s not fair to insert my words into your thoughts, I would suggest a slight modification one of your phrases.

Would you use “it would provide an allure of out-of-place importance” instead of “it would provide an allure of undeserved importance”? This would leave more space for additional flexibility of the interpretation.

Sensitive Friend,

I like when people correct me in any language.
I don’t understand why “out of place” doesn’t convey what I wanted to say, for me. Would “non-deserving” be more adequate?
If you remember, I wrote the subject seemed natural, light and unimportant for myself.

Wise Friend,

You wrote, “I welcome being corrected in any language. I don’t understand why ‘out of place’ doesn’t convey what I wanted to say.”
If you don’t know (rational), there is nothing left but to feel (intuitive). How about that?
Reflection goes: and I who told you that maybe you are “too” rational.
“Would ‘doesn’t deserve’ be more adequate?”
I don’t think so, because “undeserved importance” includes a shade of imposture, which denigrates and distorts the core.
In the end, what do you mean by undeserved importance, and why? Maybe you thought about “forbidden”, though even this is debatable: who thinks is God to judge such things?
The link between liberty and necessity might become a new subject to debate.
But no, don’t fear, I propose to not tire ourselves for the time being with such speculation, as life is beautiful as it is.
Would you mind using the term “inadequate”?

Wait! I think the penny dropped related to the term you used of “undeserved importance”. I think you wanted to say “importance that doesn’t deserve the exertion”. Something like “waste of time”.
If this is what you meant, my theory (discussing in details about toothpicks) fails, as it would imply something else: undeserved being unjustly obtained.
However, you see, this is a compromised solution, as I disagree with this meaning as well (it doesn’t deserve the exertion) – what do you think about my impertinence?

Silent Calls

Posted: November 11, 2018 in Fiction, Musing, Musings, opinion, philosophy, relationships
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Wise Friend,

Your call last evening was short and silent.

Sensitive Friend,

Many times, it happened that all I needed was to dial the number of a close friend, say “hello” and then I couldn’t discuss what preoccupied me as if putting all that in words would make my issue sound so superficial. Each time, this confused the friend I called, who ended up with the feeling of not having helped. However, this minimal contact of a few seconds was essential to me. It has been selfish of me to initiate such a call, and I learnt to control and abstain.

Wise Friend,

Please don’t tell me merçi so many times because there is no reason. I’m not offering a service, a present or just amiability.

It throws the dialogues out of balance, and it makes me feel inadequate.

I have only one upper hand over you, and it is not my merit: I express with more clarity in this language, which you had no opportunities to use for a few decades. It’s crucial for me to use the exact word which would reflect the most adequate nuance of what I want to say.

I can do that only in this language. I dislike words of complacency or used to fill the space or to show off.

In turn, you benefit from the advantage of intuition, realism, and of your talent to convey states of mind indirectly, and thoughts one can hardly notice between the lines, sometimes not even linked to the content word by word (mot-a-mot).

Yet again, you would tell me I “project”. And I’ll answer it might be so.  There is nothing we can do, such we are, each one with own psyche formed thought own life. Sometimes I feel such a waste. I guess now I overstepped what I mentioned above.

Sensitive Friend,

It’s tempting to say you’re projecting. In this instance, I’m not.

Wise Friend,

For the time being, I don’t know what to reply to what you wrote. It’s not the first time you turn my words around, which disorients me.

This dialogue had no content though it is pregnant with meaning. Do I project, yet again?

I believe I’ve reached a dead moment. What do you say? Shall I stop writing?

Sensitive Friend,

How come? If you think we need to communicate about something specific, write. We had long spells of silence before. That my mind stops from time to time means nothing.

“Ghosted” by Rosie Walsh

Posted: September 11, 2018 in Musings
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I use duckduckgo.com for my online searches. According to Urban Dictionary, ghosting in dating is, “When a person cuts off all communication with their friends or the person they’re dating, with zero warning or notice beforehand. You’ll mostly see them avoiding friend’s phone calls, social media, and avoiding them in public.” Hence “being ghosted.”

Recently, I listened to an interview with Rosie Walsh, and the interviewer mentioned the incredibly way Walsh describes emotions of love, happiness, and heartbreak. I wanted to read such descriptions in successful contemporary novels.

Many people around me don’t know the word “ghosted.” It is a terrific word, which describes so well experiences of unmarried women trying to meet that final man for once, so the relationship lasts and doesn’t disappear in a split of a second. I talked with aged women as well. Without exception, they told me how many times they experienced that. I don’t know why I felt the need to point out each time: “Married women wouldn’t know about that.” Maybe because married women were around when I mentioned the word. Some of these women had been married for decades. To my surprise, the openness of the unmarried women made me uncomfortable while married women participated in the conversation.

Back to the book.
The experience of being “ghosted” in this book, however, is unique. The story includes a few twists, mystery, some tensions. Few ghosted women would wonder if the men died and that’s why they might have disappeared. Susan, the heroine of this book, wonders a lot about such a possibility.
In real life, while angry and disappointed, women seem to accept that they had the experience of a man ghosting them, and not only once.
As I started reading the book, I felt annoyed and told Susan to let it go. Only my curiosity about what young women like reading nowadays kept me going.
The book is a romance novel. Not the cheap-quality category available on supermarket shelves. It belongs to what I would call a literary novel quality.
However, it floats almost between the two styles. Yes, Walsh captures and describes some emotions very well. She also captures very well the refusal to let it go, the persistence to want to understand the “why?”, the obsession with reviewing every detail of the seven-day blissful encounter. All women went through such phases from time to time, after a relationship suddenly disintegrated, especially when that relationship was apart from any other.
I was wondering if I could advise a male friend to read it, and whether he would enjoy it. I don’t think so.
In the end, it reads like a Hollywood feel-good script. The book has been very successful.
Still, I think that Walsh will end up with remarkable good novels. Just one more step up.

Oh guilt! Oh guilt! Yes, it matters

Posted: May 9, 2013 in Fiction, Musings
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Wise friend,

Guilt is Catholic. No! It’s Jewish. No! It’s Irish. Hey, Irish are Catholic.

Shall I do Guilt?

Miss You!

Yes

Yes, when it’s your reaction to you stepping out of your moral construct, or of your moral community whatever it might be at the time: family, friends, or others.

Yes, when you did something wrong made a mistake, hurting the other, you might need to feel guilty and reassess how to do it next time. Sometimes your worse of you took over, and you were malicious in a form or another.

Yes, it might be soul-wrenching. You might need to explain what happened – it’s difficult. You need apologize, and be clear what you apologize for – it’s difficult, and sometimes it’s humiliating. Never say just: “Sorry to have offended you.” Be specific for what you apologise. Both show integrity and courage.

No

No, when another person wants you to react in a specific way and uses guilt to manipulate you – thus you to have you explain yourself and prove that whatever they assumed was wrong.

No, even when you make a mistake and it’s becoming much too consuming when all that is needed is to apologise (be specific) and redress the situation.

No, when you hurt the other because you had to stop a specific behaviour or interaction that actually is not acceptable and rightly so for you. For example, you’re in a relationship (let’s not think about marriage for a moment) that brings no joy, it might be boring, unpleasant, where you are not you for whatever reason. You decide to end that relationship. The other gets hurt. Well, that’s life. Sometimes you can do it gingerly, over time, sometimes you need to stop that on the spot. That’s life.

It’s complicated to feel comfortable afterward, knowingly that you created pain. It requires of you to self-control, self-reassurance that the decision was correct.

Yes, it matters! Who and what matters?
***
When the little toddler wobbled for the first time from her father to her mother, she laughed. She then looked up and not knowing yet how to talk, made the same sounds of “Did you see that?” Her mother understood.