Archive for the ‘philosophy’ Category

Past, Travels, Loves, Emails

Posted: September 29, 2018 in Fiction, Musings, opinion, philosophy
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Years ago, just when the internet burst into our lives with the ability to communicate via emails, I went to live in another country for a few years. I felt a sense of loyalty and want to keep in touch with friends back. By then, life taught me that given my personal history, I had to be the person responsible for keeping in contact with no demands from others to respond. For a while, I wrote weekly emails full of typos and grammar errors. Moreover, they were full of so many details that some friends loved them, while others strongly disliked them, and felt entirely bored reading them. I tried to find a balance. I kept those emails saved in Word documents. Why? Why did I keep all those emails? I can’t remember.

Four years later, I fell in love, three times with the wrong men. Those loves stopped me from sending emails. I didn’t want to share my love stories out of shyness, a desperate need for privacy, and fear from an evil eye. Evil eye? Yep, I hoped that the relationships might become durable and reliable, and I feared that if I shared any details, that sharing might jinx the relationships.

***

During the last few weeks, I’ve decided to get rid of all these emails I had sent and received during my stay overseas. I read each one of them and selected only expressions or descriptions I liked and then deleted the emails. I’ve started writing short blogs around the saved material and post them though I don’t try to market the blog. Another “Why?”

I’m faced with a few surprises while going thought these emails:

I don’t remember all the events.

I don’t remember a few people with whom I exchanged emails. They were fleeting appearances during my stay.

While reading, I noticed with amusement, that some people, back in Sydney, never changed. Those who were happy at that time, were happy when we met again upon my return to Sydney. Some wrote as if they have always been victims, despite becoming successful. They are wonderful individuals though they view themselves in that light of being a victim. Others changed and now, are now happy minds, leaving behind the worrisome selves.

Some emails interactions come back to mind, and my answers are now as if mirrors into which I have to look. I am reading and I can’t believe my answers, quite a few being much too long and hence careless as a reaction to their issues and questions. I will not lose sleep or bash myself up, but Boy!

What I wrote above is the answer to “Why did I keep those emails?” To now face myself to find out what I remember and not, how I connected, sometimes appropriately and sometimes sooo wrongly, delighted with myself at the time.

Shall we keep diaries and all our communications?

I think so. Though, I hope that nobody finds them after we are gone.

Book – “An American Childhood” by Annie Dillard

Posted: September 21, 2018 in Fiction, Musings, opinion, philosophy, relationships
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Wise friend,

Years ago you wrote about Annie Dillard’s book “An American Childhood”.

Lovely friend,

I looked back at my notes about the novel. Many times, when I read books about children, I wonder, “How come their young life was so rich?”
Fair enough, it’s a style that makes such books attractive to adults. It is the adult who remembers things and adds to the child‘s thoughts and feelings, who understands one’s childhood from the adult point of view. The author would relate the story using the words and language of a youngster.
These touches lead to sweet memories, cause the child look as if much more mature, more intelligent, and well in touch with own emotions already at a very young age.
Probably, I project quite a lot when I read. So, I recognise myself in that child. When I‘m looking from the eyes of an adult to my childhood life, I now perceive the richness of those feelings and thoughts. I didn’t have that experience, neither her commitment to her own childhood projects, nor the parents of Annie Dillard, but I see about what she talked, and I enjoyed the reading.
I plan to re-read the book.

Wise friend,

Talented fiction writers exaggerate real people when creating characters. Otherwise, readers get bored.

***

Do interesting fiction characters, even if evil and immoral, or good and moral need to be active, fighters, moving from doing to doing?

Friendship – Soothing Anger

Posted: September 20, 2018 in Musings, opinion, philosophy, relationships
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Wise friend,

It worries me that I’ve not heard from you in a while. Remember, I keep having these back-alley flashes of muggings and the like – silence is definitely not good.

Lovely friend,

As you know, time flies when one is busy, and we are amazed that we are already in September. It genuinely seems like yesterday when I departed, but I am sure it is not the same for you. Our mind is so extraordinary; we are able to telescope time in or out depending on our personal experience.

Wise friend,

Now I know you’re OK, not horizontal in some alley, I think the difference between me worrying about your and your mum worrying about you, by the way, is that my worry is not built on a sense of you being incapable, but more of the malevolence of the world. Does that make sense? Lovely to hear your voice.
I’m proud of all your achievements to date – the driving license being just one. By the way, I did not get the email you sent which was a reply to mine – try again? Are you keeping a diary?

Here things are plodding along. I have a huge amount of work, which is both good and bad. I don’t need to explain the reasoning here, sure you know. On the home front, I take each day as it comes. I still suffer a bit from reality shock. I woke up the other day having had a dream that my marriage was over. I shook my head in disbelief and fog and said to myself “silly thing – it’s only a dream”; I got up to splash some water on my face and remembered. It was like this after my father died. Also, I’m starting to get waves of anger. I don’t know what to do with them.

I’m in the middle of things here – lawyers and settlement and stuff like that. Feel beyond stressed and quite strung out. It’s a bit unreal. I want it OVER. I want to emerge from this with some dignity. But I don’t know what to do with these feelings of abandonment that I have – and of being so alone in the world…

I was also talking to a counsellor, so I had acknowledgment and a right to this layered anger, and each layer was touching the same buttons. One layer follows the other, and it might take too long. I was waiting for that anger to surface; otherwise, it would have eaten me from inside. What did I do? I was writing almost like obsessive poems about what I am angry. This, however, takes too little of its power.

Lovely friend,

Sorry, you are in a foul mood. Like you are continuously sliding back on the ladder.

During the last years, my greatest luck has been when either worry or anger steps in, I manage immediately to ask myself, “Where is this coming from?“ Does it help? Most of the times, I turn to these questions automatically.

After a while, I reached a stage where I could watch myself, and I just told myself, “Here the demon comes again, maybe write some words and go to a walk or swim.” However, some residues of anger will always be there. One has been deprived for years of accomplishments of dreams, manipulated into seeing the angelic side of the being while ignoring the malicious one. How can I completely forget all this, when we cannot turn time back, and some things are more difficult to achieve with age?

Wise friend,

Walking by water used to help me. I’ll try walking by the ocean – see if it helps. By the way, it’s no doubt that this city is magnificent and where we lived we touch a piece of Heaven.
It’s good that your conversations with your son are okay. You’ve yearned for that for some time I think.
My main feeling these days is of having been abandoned – you know – all alone – the only people who ever loved me are dead…dar dum de dar…
It’s good that you’re a long way away – I’m a lousy company at the moment.
Work is OK though. Now have 4 books on the boil – which is exciting.

“Fifty Shades of Grey”- Why Was It So Successful?

Posted: September 19, 2018 in Musings, opinion, philosophy, relationships
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Wise friend,

Why was “Fifty Shades of Grey” so successful?

Friend,

I don’t know. I heard it is poorly written. Some women told me they were fascinated only by the sex scenes, calling it ‘soft porn.’

I didn’t even open the books though I had them for a short while. I watched the first movie out of curiosity. While I could accept to waste ninety minutes of my life to satisfy some of my curiosity, reading the book would have taken me weeks to read it.

The man (in the book) demands specific intricate details of how their sexual encounters should develop.

I read a few Facebook commentaries from people I respect. I assume that the book is about that emotionally dangerous dream for which many women fall prey: the power of a woman’s love to change a man.

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Surprise surprise, the movie ends with the man falling in love with her; eventually, he seems to change his approach to their relationship: love will shape the relationship, not tricky, masochistic and sadistic sexual encounters. I’m rolling my eyes.

Yes, we all know about situations where the intense love for a woman changes a bad man into a good man. This, however, is not because thus the woman wants. That would happen if his love for her, opens his mind, matures him, and heals most of his wounds.

Women err when they confuse their desire to change a man under the “spell” of making him love her, with accepting a relationship with the man and defining clear boundaries. It amazes me that the same woman errs with such ideals more than once.

Wise friend,

I can’t talk about the sex scenes in the book. For that, I have to read the book. Forget about that!

We all know that during intimacy men and women perform acts about which they would not talk with others.

Wise friend,

Like what? Whipping!

Friend,

Not so far, necessarily.

Through my life, I heard from women and men intimate moments within their relationships. I won‘t mention those details in writing. These mere acquaintances ended up trusting me more than I was interested. Each time I ended like a deer in the headlights, listening and wondering, why they shared such moments with me. My face wouldn’t betray my surprise.

Wise friend,

Gosh, I might have lived in a different world.

Friend,

Many of us do. When one least expects, love and playfulness allow or push people when in love with some partners only, to do these little sexual things that don’t define them, otherwise. Those silly moments when we decide, “So what! It’s just nothing, and it makes him happy! I’ll never share with anybody what I’ve just done, with this guy.”

I guess, that “Fifty Shades…” describes some of such moments. Readers would be happy, even may be relieved, and therefore happy reading them. They would love that.

***

Well, is it pretentious of me to assume so much without reading the books?

Networking is just a job technicality

Posted: September 18, 2018 in Musing, Musings, networking, opinion, philosophy
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Wise friend,

I hate networking, especially going to bars, with their sweet smell of stale beer.

Sensitive friend,

Hear me out: networking is just a job technicality – one has to treat it as work.
When I was at the Paris conference, I met a guy, around 55-60 years old, who manages the office of a competitor of ours. This guy was very nice, and we talked a lot. He explained how he planned his marketing material and even gave me a copy so I can draw ideas from there. He also told me that earlier in his career he lost ten years of his professional success by not networking enough with his colleagues.

For example, he couldn’t stand bars, and he could be incredibly bored with these types of socialising. He avoided them. Later, he decided that he had to join his colleagues, but couldn’t take it later than 19:00, and he left early. It took him 10 years to see that that was foolish, and he learned to accept that this type of socialising was a technicality of the job and that needed to be there and network. Since then, his career took off.

Doing your job very well is never enough. Networking creates an atmosphere of comfort. Therefore, one has to treat it as work. I could fully understand what he said as I felt, thought, and acted the same. So slowly, slowly I had to change. Many colleagues go to footy. This month I’ll give up my refusal to attend, and from time to time I’ll join and treat that as work.

Years ago, I befriended the head of a charity in our city. He is a typical secular guy, sent by a charity organization from abroad. I asked him how he coped with going to the weekly religious events of the community. He was calm about it. The community would not accept an ‘outsider’ who would not partake in some activities strictly related to the religious traditions, such as the main holidays, weddings of others, and religious events for his own family. His company sent him to succeed for this charity in our city – it was part of his job description. He treated attendance to religious events as technicalities and didn’t feel any burden as one is not to expect to enjoy every moment of one’s professional life.

I advise others. I failed at networking. You?

Those You Date

Posted: April 28, 2013 in book; books, communication, epistolary, Fiction, meaning, Musing, opinion, philosophy, relationships
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Sweet Friend,

You wrote you dated a few times and how frustrating it is to feel scrutinised.

Wise Friend,

The men I meet think I’m the one under scrutiny. They don’t know they are under my scrutiny. I didn’t come so far away from home, to stop scrutinising.

Sweet Friend,

I was thinking about the word you used. I know what you mean, though I hope you enjoyed the dates to some extent.

Wise Friend.

What should one do? Take a risk? How else? Be cautious? How else? Go with the flow? How else? Be gullible? How else? Be trustful? How else?

Sweet Friend,

You went there, faraway, to find a husband. Do they want to become husbands more then they want here? How far do you need to go before you can approach the subject even if only as a light, rushed joke?

Wise Friend,

It’s become a “shame on you” to want to know this too soon. A wish that needs to be in secret. A desire to be denied, minimised, and about which to joke. Once upon a time, becoming a husband was a sign of pride in oneself. Not anymore.

Sweet Friend,

What? Do you ask him on the first date?

Wise Friend,

When I feel like “Heck with it?”

Sweet Friend,

How did they react? I would love to be at the next table. Did you see any of them again? Risky filtering I might say. Is it funny?

Wise Friend,

Haha! Ah, it brings me a sense of relief.

Sweet Friend,

My mind is blank. I have no answers for you. Still, I can’t hold back to tell you to enjoy meeting people. Find out about their life and likes. Delight in their little surprises. The rules changed many decades ago. Somehow, still, they need to be relearned again and again.

Shush! Don’t bring it up too soon! You might filter the good ones. Also, sometimes “Heck with it!” Seek their happy side. If he’s moody, say “good-bye!”

I Used to Speak Six Languages. None of Them Perfect, Ever?

Posted: April 28, 2013 in book; books, communication, epistolary, Fiction, meaning, Musing, Musings, opinion, philosophy, relationships
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Sensitive Friend,

I used to speak six languages: none of them perfect, ever. Three have disappeared, not wholly, almost gone. I can order a sandwich and maybe listen to get what you mean – to some point. Therefore, I love when people correct me in either of my top three languages: humor, gentleness help.

Sometimes I use words, confident that I’m clear. Later I see, from the reaction of the other, that I used an improper word. I mean inappropriate: it’s either a bit too sexy in that part of the world or hurting feelings in another. In my mind, the word or expression is clear, soft and caring.

So I ask you to help me, and your response is to stay with the initial wording, as you understand what I meant and also you enjoy the mishap. You prefer me not to correct anything as thus I would deviate into being too correct with the words I use. How am I going to win the battle of languages and of a brain that insists on grasping a language at a maximum of 83.66%-95.21%?

So here it is: I used “the importance given to this subject is not suitable to…”. I’m asking you: Shall I use “undeserved importance”?

Wise Friend,

No, because when you use the new word, it brings in a falsity, which denigrates and makes the core of your idea unnatural. Then, I get confused, and I lose what you’re referring to, and then I wonder why you mention whatever new thing might show up.

Maybe you thought about the word “forbidden,” but this is debatable as well.

When Two People Love Being With Each Other is French Fries a Good Topic?

Posted: April 27, 2013 in book; books, epistolary, Musing, Musings, opinion, philosophy, relationships
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Wise Friend,

Years ago you wrote: “We communicate only via writing or phone, which makes us feel good most of the times. However, sometimes it hurts when either of us or both feel frustrated. Also, we have to deal with a lack of continuity and with the question of how honest we could be within these kinds of communication.”

On the one hand, either of us or both of us could choose what would more comfortable and leave aside real confrontations; this would be cowardice, isn’t it (on my behalf)?

Sensitive Friend,

When two people love being around each other, they can talk about French fries and enjoy each other.

Wise Friend,

On the other hand, you seem to imply, which I find acceptable, that this is not good for you and the communication would become sterile. Had we choose to dive deeper into some specific question you might raise, into an impression of mine that I suddenly saw a little light in a corner I never noticed.

You have integrity, while at the same time you move around from topic to topic with so much agility; you might start an idea, and suddenly you change your mind.

Sometimes I ask you something specific, I need your answer, and you move on to another subject, and we go on from there.

It’s OK for me, but we deviate from the flow. There is something else in this complex communication: my topics are not easy to address, and I’m not always clear. I never know how my subjects touch you, given the context of your thoughts and your disposition at the very moment when you open my email or when we talk over the phone.

It forces me to restrain myself and to weigh much too much every word I write or say. You turn, now.

Sensitive Friend,

Starting with an idea and moving to another subject was not a sign of agility. At that time, I lacked the discipline to stay with the topic at hand.

I wanted to speak about everything that might have tangentially touched the subject, or I thought about in the absence of our communication. I’ve improved a lot, and I get so much more satisfaction when staying with the topic discussed until clear. Now, I notice as others change the subject and I don’t enjoy it, at all.

I wonder what I answered at the time of our interaction.

When Tenderness Comes Too Late?

Posted: April 21, 2013 in book; books, epistolary, Fiction, Musing, Musings, opinion, philosophy, relationships
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Dearest Friend,

Delauney’s painting – Sometimes I look at it, and it seems as agitated as our souls right now. A few minutes later, I look again, and I see peace and quiet, but with energy and fire. Somehow it represents us: while it scares me, it calms me as well, and it gives me joy, too. Be happy; it’s your birthday.

Delauney

Wise Friend,

I’m so far. I wish I would be able to touch you so slightly, so lightly. Happy birthday and many happy returns – please laugh a lot with your beautiful laughter.

You brought me a fantastic year. I wish you goodness and a comfortable life, and to never regret that gift so loaded, so pregnant. Whatever has happened, our love, may it be a sign of only good things to come to you.

Dearest Friend,

Now, don’t blame me. What possibilities, do you think that could have crossed my mind back then? After two years, I left him. I was nine years younger than you, and I was so immature.

How was it possible that I was there for those years, and we didn’t ‘know’ each one about the other and each one for the other? Has life toyed with us, like a joke? What did it want from us to prove?

That we’re two people kind and caring? I have no idea if I would have reacted to your signs. I responded to the warmth in your voice, at sunset, looking both of us over that valley I love. I acted, not as an adult, but as a little child to whom somebody finally told how valuable might be.

Wise Friend,

Maybe if you had persisted, I would have been intoxicated. It’s your fault you moved me too late and too fast. I left that place, the beloved country, with your words in my soul, with the warmth of your voice, feeling to some extent the attraction you had felt, not more than that.

You say you kept pushing the gas pedal, knowingly that the engine was not on. Suddenly the engine started, and we forgot reason. I, like you, had not imagined this was possible, even if deep down maybe I, like you, knew it was.

Why not, if we knew this is what we wanted, then why no other person who wanted the same showed up?

Are You Able to Carry a Stone Within Your Heart?

Posted: April 21, 2013 in book; books, epistolary, Fiction, Musing, Musings, opinion, philosophy, relationships, Uncategorized
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Wise Friend,

Inner peace is inner, and only we can give it to us. How? Sometimes, I think that I found the formula. Later I wake up to the fact that I forgot to apply it. However, so much depends on us and our attitude.

Dearest Friend,

It wasn’t about carrying a stone within my heart. I’m able to carry heart stones. It was about, what you believed, and what I thought that you understood. I couldn’t let it happen between us. At least for now.

Wise Friend,

Now, there are two people inside me. I live with the feeling that I’m hiding something from you, but we have no choice. I’m afraid that you won’t like any longer the person I’m now.

I clench my teeth and continue with what we started, as it’s decent, or maybe it’s a must, or it’s just wise; this is called “looking after myself.”

I’m obsessed with the thought that, by being quiet, I lie to you, I let you believe something else. I’m not at peace; I don’t want to lose you. I tell my self I don’t have you anyway, such was life; this is what you decided. Later, I say myself that we both decided; then I’m too tired, I give up for a few days to look after the other person within me…

We’re not yet used to not connecting for two weeks. Later music follows, I go to a play, a show, a museum, walking, or I drive for a more extended stretch or maybe just that time arrived again to feel torn between the two people inside me.

Dearest Friend,

I know what you say. With whom are you comparing these group of people? They are not perfect, but overall they behave like good strong, kind, and reliable people. It’s so incredible that the others look at them, at their history and what they’ve achieved and continuously demonise them. Did they ever err? Certainly, they did! Like whom would they be? Please show me the group.

Wise Friend,

There is a toddler in my life. I miss her. I miss putting my head on the back of her neck and hear her laughter.

When she was here, visiting, I looked after her for a few hours. We played together. She showed me what to press on her toys, pressing my hand to push.

Her parents went out. She wasn’t crying, though very quiet and sad. Then she fell asleep in my arms.

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