Archive for the ‘Musings’ Category

Superficiality and its moments of joy

Posted: May 16, 2013 in Fiction, Musings
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Wise friend,

What a day! A sweet taste of me, of space, and of freedom.

Happy for a while just with superficiality, with kindness, joy, and laughter. Good to stay on the surface and not always be deep, deep. I was with others. We laughed, exchanged some ideas. Topics were sometimes light, sometimes important. We talked with a sense of curiosity and prudence in not hurting each other while expressing our thoughts.

I needed this tonight!

In the morning, I received an aggressive message. What made me reply?: “I believe in a civilized communication. You didn’t; you don’t. We won’t.”

I swivelled around singing:” You didn’t, you don’t. We won’t…You didn’t; you don’t. We won’t…You didn’t; you don’t. We won’t”.

Later, I was with friendly people; two hours of pure joy. I breathed in superficiality, a sweet taste of me, of space, of freedom.

Miss you!

Sweet, free friend,

When superficiality soothes, it’s more than that.

Miss you, too!
***
The toddler girl felt on the top of the world, on the shoulders of her father. I was at the top of the world watching her.

Oh guilt! Oh guilt! Yes, it matters

Posted: May 9, 2013 in Fiction, Musings
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Wise friend,

Guilt is Catholic. No! It’s Jewish. No! It’s Irish. Hey, Irish are Catholic.

Shall I do Guilt?

Miss You!

Yes

Yes, when it’s your reaction to you stepping out of your moral construct, or of your moral community whatever it might be at the time: family, friends, or others.

Yes, when you did something wrong made a mistake, hurting the other, you might need to feel guilty and reassess how to do it next time. Sometimes your worse of you took over, and you were malicious in a form or another.

Yes, it might be soul-wrenching. You might need to explain what happened – it’s difficult. You need apologize, and be clear what you apologize for – it’s difficult, and sometimes it’s humiliating. Never say just: “Sorry to have offended you.” Be specific for what you apologise. Both show integrity and courage.

No

No, when another person wants you to react in a specific way and uses guilt to manipulate you – thus you to have you explain yourself and prove that whatever they assumed was wrong.

No, even when you make a mistake and it’s becoming much too consuming when all that is needed is to apologise (be specific) and redress the situation.

No, when you hurt the other because you had to stop a specific behaviour or interaction that actually is not acceptable and rightly so for you. For example, you’re in a relationship (let’s not think about marriage for a moment) that brings no joy, it might be boring, unpleasant, where you are not you for whatever reason. You decide to end that relationship. The other gets hurt. Well, that’s life. Sometimes you can do it gingerly, over time, sometimes you need to stop that on the spot. That’s life.

It’s complicated to feel comfortable afterward, knowingly that you created pain. It requires of you to self-control, self-reassurance that the decision was correct.

Yes, it matters! Who and what matters?
***
When the little toddler wobbled for the first time from her father to her mother, she laughed. She then looked up and not knowing yet how to talk, made the same sounds of “Did you see that?” Her mother understood.

Standing up for yourself! Not an easy matter. Yes, it matters!

Posted: May 9, 2013 in Fiction, Musings
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Wise friend,

I want to ask you about people who hurt (with their speaking manner) and insult me. Sometimes I can’t take it any longer, and I decide to tell such a person to stop doing that. On the spot, I become the bad person. Me standing up hurts their feelings. Who do they think that they are?

“Ok, let me understand. You act carelessly. It hurts me; it affects me. You continue, you mock me, and you put me down. I carefully try to give some hints and give you examples of what hurts me in other people’s words and actions. You empathise. You continue bothering me, mocking me, using me.

When hints and anecdotes didn’t help, at some stage I decide to be clear. I’m not willing to be part of this interaction any longer under these conditions. I carefully think about how to say it, when to say it, how to be clear and short, how to react to some questions. I choose my day, the environment.

I meet you, and I tell you: “When you do or tell me that I’m ‘bad at that and bad at the other,’ I feel uncomfortable.” I explain in more details.

You react, you get angry, or hurt, or dismissing. Now, I’m the bad one.”

Miss you!

My honest friend,

Yes, there is a pattern with people willingly insulting or hurting the other. Standing up to that behaviour is suddenly in bad taste. It takes practice. Choose your battles until you become natural at it: remaining cool inside, smiling, clear message, clear deep voice.

Yes, it matters! Who and what matters?

***

On the second day of her life, the newborn baby girl had these deep thinking eyes. I fell in love. Now she is toddling around.

Is Your Thinking in This Instance Is Irrelevant?

Posted: April 28, 2013 in Fiction, Musings
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Wise friend,

Here we go again: we had this pleasant conversation, and we started a topic, innocent in its nature. Yes, I know. Each item begins like that, and suddenly it becomes a serious discussion. No facts, no facts, again and again. So the next thing, she mocks me, with that air of superiority, of elitism. Out of nowhere, I said:
“That you don’t get a specific social construct and the fact you also choose to mock and belittle, it means just that you don’t get it, and while running out of arguments, you resort to mockery. Therefore, your thinking in this instance is irrelevant to me”.
We changed subjects. A gorgeous day, this city at its best, comes to a close.
I took it easy today as if I wanted to taste it minute by minute; I lived this day thinking back to essentials (Yes! They Matter!) – I can’t explain motherhood. It’s just an incredible experience. I’m sure I can’t understand fatherhood. I feel blessed for having been a mother.
Miss you!
Lovely Friend,
Good, finally! Miss you, too!
Be wary of insults, mockery and debase. Indeed, one goes there when has lost the arguments. When their case is weak, they mock.
————————-
This last week, the little toddler girl has started opening doors and climbing on everything claimable. Yes! It Matters!

I Used to Speak Six Languages. None of Them Perfect, Ever?

Posted: April 28, 2013 in book; books, communication, epistolary, Fiction, meaning, Musing, Musings, opinion, philosophy, relationships
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Sensitive Friend,

I used to speak six languages: none of them perfect, ever. Three have disappeared, not wholly, almost gone. I can order a sandwich and maybe listen to get what you mean – to some point. Therefore, I love when people correct me in either of my top three languages: humor, gentleness help.

Sometimes I use words, confident that I’m clear. Later I see, from the reaction of the other, that I used an improper word. I mean inappropriate: it’s either a bit too sexy in that part of the world or hurting feelings in another. In my mind, the word or expression is clear, soft and caring.

So I ask you to help me, and your response is to stay with the initial wording, as you understand what I meant and also you enjoy the mishap. You prefer me not to correct anything as thus I would deviate into being too correct with the words I use. How am I going to win the battle of languages and of a brain that insists on grasping a language at a maximum of 83.66%-95.21%?

So here it is: I used “the importance given to this subject is not suitable to…”. I’m asking you: Shall I use “undeserved importance”?

Wise Friend,

No, because when you use the new word, it brings in a falsity, which denigrates and makes the core of your idea unnatural. Then, I get confused, and I lose what you’re referring to, and then I wonder why you mention whatever new thing might show up.

Maybe you thought about the word “forbidden,” but this is debatable as well.

When Two People Love Being With Each Other is French Fries a Good Topic?

Posted: April 27, 2013 in book; books, epistolary, Musing, Musings, opinion, philosophy, relationships
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Wise Friend,

Years ago you wrote: “We communicate only via writing or phone, which makes us feel good most of the times. However, sometimes it hurts when either of us or both feel frustrated. Also, we have to deal with a lack of continuity and with the question of how honest we could be within these kinds of communication.”

On the one hand, either of us or both of us could choose what would more comfortable and leave aside real confrontations; this would be cowardice, isn’t it (on my behalf)?

Sensitive Friend,

When two people love being around each other, they can talk about French fries and enjoy each other.

Wise Friend,

On the other hand, you seem to imply, which I find acceptable, that this is not good for you and the communication would become sterile. Had we choose to dive deeper into some specific question you might raise, into an impression of mine that I suddenly saw a little light in a corner I never noticed.

You have integrity, while at the same time you move around from topic to topic with so much agility; you might start an idea, and suddenly you change your mind.

Sometimes I ask you something specific, I need your answer, and you move on to another subject, and we go on from there.

It’s OK for me, but we deviate from the flow. There is something else in this complex communication: my topics are not easy to address, and I’m not always clear. I never know how my subjects touch you, given the context of your thoughts and your disposition at the very moment when you open my email or when we talk over the phone.

It forces me to restrain myself and to weigh much too much every word I write or say. You turn, now.

Sensitive Friend,

Starting with an idea and moving to another subject was not a sign of agility. At that time, I lacked the discipline to stay with the topic at hand.

I wanted to speak about everything that might have tangentially touched the subject, or I thought about in the absence of our communication. I’ve improved a lot, and I get so much more satisfaction when staying with the topic discussed until clear. Now, I notice as others change the subject and I don’t enjoy it, at all.

I wonder what I answered at the time of our interaction.

When Tenderness Comes Too Late?

Posted: April 21, 2013 in book; books, epistolary, Fiction, Musing, Musings, opinion, philosophy, relationships
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Dearest Friend,

Delauney’s painting – Sometimes I look at it, and it seems as agitated as our souls right now. A few minutes later, I look again, and I see peace and quiet, but with energy and fire. Somehow it represents us: while it scares me, it calms me as well, and it gives me joy, too. Be happy; it’s your birthday.

Delauney

Wise Friend,

I’m so far. I wish I would be able to touch you so slightly, so lightly. Happy birthday and many happy returns – please laugh a lot with your beautiful laughter.

You brought me a fantastic year. I wish you goodness and a comfortable life, and to never regret that gift so loaded, so pregnant. Whatever has happened, our love, may it be a sign of only good things to come to you.

Dearest Friend,

Now, don’t blame me. What possibilities, do you think that could have crossed my mind back then? After two years, I left him. I was nine years younger than you, and I was so immature.

How was it possible that I was there for those years, and we didn’t ‘know’ each one about the other and each one for the other? Has life toyed with us, like a joke? What did it want from us to prove?

That we’re two people kind and caring? I have no idea if I would have reacted to your signs. I responded to the warmth in your voice, at sunset, looking both of us over that valley I love. I acted, not as an adult, but as a little child to whom somebody finally told how valuable might be.

Wise Friend,

Maybe if you had persisted, I would have been intoxicated. It’s your fault you moved me too late and too fast. I left that place, the beloved country, with your words in my soul, with the warmth of your voice, feeling to some extent the attraction you had felt, not more than that.

You say you kept pushing the gas pedal, knowingly that the engine was not on. Suddenly the engine started, and we forgot reason. I, like you, had not imagined this was possible, even if deep down maybe I, like you, knew it was.

Why not, if we knew this is what we wanted, then why no other person who wanted the same showed up?

Are You Able to Carry a Stone Within Your Heart?

Posted: April 21, 2013 in book; books, epistolary, Fiction, Musing, Musings, opinion, philosophy, relationships, Uncategorized
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Wise Friend,

Inner peace is inner, and only we can give it to us. How? Sometimes, I think that I found the formula. Later I wake up to the fact that I forgot to apply it. However, so much depends on us and our attitude.

Dearest Friend,

It wasn’t about carrying a stone within my heart. I’m able to carry heart stones. It was about, what you believed, and what I thought that you understood. I couldn’t let it happen between us. At least for now.

Wise Friend,

Now, there are two people inside me. I live with the feeling that I’m hiding something from you, but we have no choice. I’m afraid that you won’t like any longer the person I’m now.

I clench my teeth and continue with what we started, as it’s decent, or maybe it’s a must, or it’s just wise; this is called “looking after myself.”

I’m obsessed with the thought that, by being quiet, I lie to you, I let you believe something else. I’m not at peace; I don’t want to lose you. I tell my self I don’t have you anyway, such was life; this is what you decided. Later, I say myself that we both decided; then I’m too tired, I give up for a few days to look after the other person within me…

We’re not yet used to not connecting for two weeks. Later music follows, I go to a play, a show, a museum, walking, or I drive for a more extended stretch or maybe just that time arrived again to feel torn between the two people inside me.

Dearest Friend,

I know what you say. With whom are you comparing these group of people? They are not perfect, but overall they behave like good strong, kind, and reliable people. It’s so incredible that the others look at them, at their history and what they’ve achieved and continuously demonise them. Did they ever err? Certainly, they did! Like whom would they be? Please show me the group.

Wise Friend,

There is a toddler in my life. I miss her. I miss putting my head on the back of her neck and hear her laughter.

When she was here, visiting, I looked after her for a few hours. We played together. She showed me what to press on her toys, pressing my hand to push.

Her parents went out. She wasn’t crying, though very quiet and sad. Then she fell asleep in my arms.

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